


to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die

by eatsung



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Kissing, M/M, Open to Interpretation, Possibly Unrequited Love, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26668069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatsung/pseuds/eatsung
Summary: the smile he gives jisung is like a punch to the guts but jisung has already established that there’s nothing about being with renjun that’s not at least a little painful.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Park Jisung
Comments: 10
Kudos: 34





	to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die

they don’t do this often. jisung isn’t sure about their relationship and he thinks that renjun feels the same. whenever they’re out with the others, it feels like a game, like a façade and he never knows how much is too much, what’s gonna be the thing that makes it too—suffocating.

( _sometimes renjun kisses him in the middle of the club, nails scraping along his neck, covered in sweat, fingers running through the hair on his nape like it’s his lifeline—let’s jisung grip him closer, arms wrapped so tightly around his waist that the younger worries he might break; snap in two. jisung knows that the others can see them, knows that renjun likes to put on a show, doesn’t know how much it means. if it means anything._ )

right now, they are alone.

it’s not rare that they’re both up until 3am, but it’s rare that they’re together. renjun doesn’t like speaking on the phone, says it makes him anxious, and jisung doesn’t mind texting until his eyes fall shut. talking to renjun makes him feel like a phoebe bridgers album, which sounds far worse than it is—jisung forgets how to breathe sometimes, but in a nice way. he likes feeling hollow and so full at the same time. maybe he’s a masochist. maybe he’s in love.

( _kissing renjun is like making out with the theme of howl’s moving castle. renjun isn’t a person, he’s the incarnation of jisung’s spotify account. he’s not even religious, but perhaps what he feels for renjun is more than simple adoration._ )

“can i ask something?”

jisung takes himself by surprise when he opens his mouth. renjun is wearing one of his sweatshirts, his long chestnut hair hanging low into his forehead—jisung tried to convince him to grow it out, so they could do it together and renjun had said no but jisung thinks that maybe renjun would die for him as much as he would die for renjun. the older is just more shy about it.

renjun nods, seemingly absentminded, but jisung knows he’s listening, always listening, always hyperaware of the younger. he wonders if renjun is trying to be so cautious to prevent jisung to fall in love with him. if so, he’s doing not that great of a job.

renjun smiles and jisung realizes he hasn’t asked yet.

they’re together on his bed—they’d met up so jisung could help renjun with his english coursework but they had ended up silently watching _the walking dead_. renjun never speaks when he watches tv and jisung does but he keeps quiet whenever they’re together. sometimes it feels like they’re both not really watching, just both staring at the screen, lost in thought and the electricity in the air, in the palpable tension simmering between them.

jisung takes a deep breath. the hood of his sweater is covering his head, making his ears sound like the ocean. like when you hold them against a shell. he bites his lip and suddenly feels nervous—he’s rarely nervous with renjun. he can do what he wants, could kiss him right now and they could go back to watching tv or talking about classes or how stupid mark’s new haircut looks or—

“park jisung, you’re driving me insane.” renjun’s brows are furrowed, tips of his ears red, eyes burning into jisung’s skin like he’s hoping to find an answer in the younger’s face.

( _“i’ll tell him to stop,” jeno starts but jisung is already hitting him, not hard, but hard enough, a sob getting caught in his throat._

_“don’t—don’t you fucking dare, hyung. don’t_ do _that—to me.”_ )

jisung considers him a while longer before turning to his side, facing the older directly. they’ve been laying like this for about half an hour, just staring at the ceiling, both occupied with their own thoughts. jisung’s thoughts are never anything else but renjun, but that’s besides the point.

“what are we?”

renjun visibly cringes and jisung regrets for a second that he didn’t ask something life-changing, something like _will you ever love me_ or _if i asked you to kill me would you do it_ or _will you promise me to never kiss anybody else the way you kiss me_ or

( _renjun’s the first to pull back, leaving jisung breathless and empty and wishing for more, but they’re in the middle of a restaurant and he’s not exactly keen on being kicked out for sucking face with the most beautiful boy in the world—that’s a lie. he wouldn’t care, would gladly accept having to leave forever for just one single kiss._

_“every fucking time.” donghyuck glares at them, but jisung is too mesmerized by renjun’s shiny lips to notice. “i’m never going out with the two of you again and that is final.”_

_renjun has this glint in his eyes he always gets after kissing jisung. or after getting off stage._

_“good.” the smile he gives jisung is like a punch to the guts but jisung has already established that there’s nothing about being with renjun that’s not at least a little painful._ )

“tell me,” he persists, disregarding the older’s pleading look, “i need to know.”

renjun clears his throat and looks away. jisung doesn’t, doesn’t want to miss a second of that perfect face, even if it’s twisted with discomfort.

“okay.” renjun nods ever so slightly and jisung copies him, encouraging him to continue.

for a second, he thinks renjun might actually be ready to speak about it, but all he does is reach for jisung’s collar, pulling himself closer and pressing their lips together. it starts off softer than usual, a little dry and so, so warm.

jisung knows there’s no point in protesting, doesn’t want to stop anyway, so he lets himself melt, lets himself get set on fire, lets himself drown, and die a painful death.

renjun sighs into his mouth and parts his lips, making room for jisung to slide their tongues together, soft, warm, sweet.

renjun tastes like jolly ranchers and a bit like cigarette—renjun doesn’t smoke, but jisung doesn’t get _really_ jealous, doesn’t have the energy for it, knows it’s pointless.

they just kiss, become one, like the countless time before. _tomorrow_ , jisung thinks decidedly, but he knows that this won’t be the last time renjun manages to control him like this. and he doesn’t even regret it, not yet.

(definitely. he is definitely in love.)

*

**(07:22am)** **renjun:** sorry i had to leave before u woke up because i was scared u might ask me again

**(07:22am)** **renjun:** the answer is i don't know

**(07:23am)** **renjun:** but i would like to find out. with you.

**Author's Note:**

> title by 'there is a light that never goes out' by the smiths


End file.
